My grandmother appeared out of nowhere…
I stood there as I witnessed her particles reassemble themselves into what I know as my grandma. She sprang from the transporter pad, energized by her scientific ingenuity. A spry and uppity seventy-eight year old, she unzipped her leather jacket and fanned herself “I’ll tell you what, I haven’t felt so alive since I visited that palm-reader in ‘84.” She waltzed out of the room and down the hall, pulling me by the hand. On our way to advanced senior-yoga group, we ran into Enrique. While he checked to make sure no one was around, my grandma ran her hand through her hair, tousling it to perfection.
“Hey grandma” he said, in his deep, exotic voice “are you still good for drinks tonight?”
“Wouldn’t miss it for the world, you tiger-cub.”
She giggled as we walked away. I heard the excited chatter before we entered the yoga room. It was a sea of spandex-clad regulars.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Friday, February 5, 2010
Molly-3rd Assignment
I crept closer, and whispered “MR. Fish will meet you at midnight in Las Vegas”.
The operative nodded, and I walked away silently.
The next day, I made contact with MR. Fish, to find out that the operative had never arrived at the appointed destination. I called my contact, who called his contact, who called his 3rd cousin’s hairdresser’s baby sitter who called her contact, who contacted the find my contact contact network, who contacted his contact, who said that she heard that Barack Obama announced in The National Enquirer last Thursday that a young stay at home mom saw the operative eliminated by three burly able-bodied fishermen through a frosted glass window at a Motel 6.
This was very bad news, although I could not be sure of the reliability of the National Enquirer, although I did hear that they had ran the story “Michael Jackson to die in 6 months” 6 months prior to his death. And as they say, even a broken clock is right twice a day.
Anyway, to make a long story short, I looked into this story, to find that it wasn’t true, and that the operative had actually been held up in traffic during rush hour, and was 5 minutes late. Apparently MR. Fish is not a patient man.
The operative nodded, and I walked away silently.
The next day, I made contact with MR. Fish, to find out that the operative had never arrived at the appointed destination. I called my contact, who called his contact, who called his 3rd cousin’s hairdresser’s baby sitter who called her contact, who contacted the find my contact contact network, who contacted his contact, who said that she heard that Barack Obama announced in The National Enquirer last Thursday that a young stay at home mom saw the operative eliminated by three burly able-bodied fishermen through a frosted glass window at a Motel 6.
This was very bad news, although I could not be sure of the reliability of the National Enquirer, although I did hear that they had ran the story “Michael Jackson to die in 6 months” 6 months prior to his death. And as they say, even a broken clock is right twice a day.
Anyway, to make a long story short, I looked into this story, to find that it wasn’t true, and that the operative had actually been held up in traffic during rush hour, and was 5 minutes late. Apparently MR. Fish is not a patient man.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Polar Expedtion
snow, uncle, watch, cap, lake, speaker
I was awakened by someone poking me, “Get up, it’s your watch.” Clambering out of bed I noticed the snow outside. “Great.” I thought to myself, “It’s time for my watch and of course it’s snowing.” I sighed, what could I do, we had been steaming along toward the polar ice cap for at least two weeks. I had joined the crew of the “Summer”, who had ironically charted an expedition to find a cargo vessel that had gone missing at the bottom of the world. After putting on my three layer parka, I stepped outside and was greeted by something new. Pyramids of ice glistened in the moonlight, in sizes ranging from small rocks to giant hills. Clusters of them formed what looked like a shoreline of a freezing lake. I was jolted out of my trance by the speaker system declaring loudly, “We’ve encountered some pack ice blocking us from reaching the large landmass, for those on watch please get the ice-breaking tools ready.” “Call me a monkey’s uncle.” I said out loud “I knew I should have joined the air-based search team.” I trudged over to the door and went below.
I was awakened by someone poking me, “Get up, it’s your watch.” Clambering out of bed I noticed the snow outside. “Great.” I thought to myself, “It’s time for my watch and of course it’s snowing.” I sighed, what could I do, we had been steaming along toward the polar ice cap for at least two weeks. I had joined the crew of the “Summer”, who had ironically charted an expedition to find a cargo vessel that had gone missing at the bottom of the world. After putting on my three layer parka, I stepped outside and was greeted by something new. Pyramids of ice glistened in the moonlight, in sizes ranging from small rocks to giant hills. Clusters of them formed what looked like a shoreline of a freezing lake. I was jolted out of my trance by the speaker system declaring loudly, “We’ve encountered some pack ice blocking us from reaching the large landmass, for those on watch please get the ice-breaking tools ready.” “Call me a monkey’s uncle.” I said out loud “I knew I should have joined the air-based search team.” I trudged over to the door and went below.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Robert Loggains - The Robots
“We’re putting the band back together.” The grinning man in a blue shirt told me.
“Please, I’m passed being a member of The Robots now.” I told him, hoping he’d leave soon.
“Come on dude, we’re all going down to Florida in October, it’s going to be EPIC!” He told me, looking gleeful.
“I’m a chemistry teacher now, I have cats, I can’t just get up and going down to Florida to have an epic concert.” I whined.
“Dude, you’re forgetting how to live.” He was still cheerful. “The Machine is not some dude living alone with his cats in Colorado. He’s THE MACHINE!”
I sighed, and realized he would not leave until I said yes.
“Have you got the other Robots in on your scheme?”
“Deathmetal and Gearhead are in the car, we’re going to get RUR next.”
I sighed, and followed him.
“Please, I’m passed being a member of The Robots now.” I told him, hoping he’d leave soon.
“Come on dude, we’re all going down to Florida in October, it’s going to be EPIC!” He told me, looking gleeful.
“I’m a chemistry teacher now, I have cats, I can’t just get up and going down to Florida to have an epic concert.” I whined.
“Dude, you’re forgetting how to live.” He was still cheerful. “The Machine is not some dude living alone with his cats in Colorado. He’s THE MACHINE!”
I sighed, and realized he would not leave until I said yes.
“Have you got the other Robots in on your scheme?”
“Deathmetal and Gearhead are in the car, we’re going to get RUR next.”
I sighed, and followed him.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Christy--January 24, 2010-Assignment #2
I fell…for a guy I met on the internet. He said that he was just a friendly, yet lonely middle aged man, and that he’d been waiting a long time to meet a person like me. The thing he didn’t know, was that I too was a creepy internet stalker, and he wasn’t pulling anything on me, and we both knew that we were desperate old men living in our mothers’ basement. That is what launched our incredible romance. An especially steamy conversation of ours last week went something like this.
Stevie-star-struck: “Fred, guess what, I just got a used white-paneled truck. It’s such an improvement from the last one, and the upholstery even smells okay.”
Fred-the-fabtabulous: “Maybe we could go to the playground in your new truck?”
Stevie-star-struck: “I know how you love lollie-pops, I got a 2 lb. bag at the job lot, and we can have a lollie-pop party (just you and me) in my truck.”
Fred-the-fantabulous: “Sounds delicious.”
Fred and I have made a beautiful life together. Three days ago, he moved into my paneled-truck, and now we spend happy days living in the public park parking-lot.
Stevie-star-struck: “Fred, guess what, I just got a used white-paneled truck. It’s such an improvement from the last one, and the upholstery even smells okay.”
Fred-the-fabtabulous: “Maybe we could go to the playground in your new truck?”
Stevie-star-struck: “I know how you love lollie-pops, I got a 2 lb. bag at the job lot, and we can have a lollie-pop party (just you and me) in my truck.”
Fred-the-fantabulous: “Sounds delicious.”
Fred and I have made a beautiful life together. Three days ago, he moved into my paneled-truck, and now we spend happy days living in the public park parking-lot.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Robert Loggains - Hank Saves Christmas
He told me that we were going to save Christmas.
“No, I’m out of that business. I’m not doing that anymore.” I looked at the wall.
“Come on, Hank. You’re one of the best Christmas savers on the planet. You fought back the people who tried to bring back Ymir, you stopped Queen Mab from taking over the North Poll, and you prevented the Ice Age. We need you to stop Santa’s clone from destroying the world.” He looked at me. “Come on, we need you.”
“I can’t do that anymore. I’m retired. After the things I’ve seen, I guess I’m just all out of Christmas spirit.” I looked at the wall. The head of an ancient Fairy Lord hung there. I saw a picture of me shaking hands with Santa and Odin. I also saw myself at a Jonas Brothers concert, but that’s another story. Also there was this really cool Navaho weaving and…
“Without you the Santa Clone will give coal to every single child in the world! Do you really want a Christmas without everyone magically receiving presents? Our entire economy would collapse! Can you imagine the sad looks on all those faces?”
I sighed, and grabbed my hunting rifle. It was time to get to work.
“No, I’m out of that business. I’m not doing that anymore.” I looked at the wall.
“Come on, Hank. You’re one of the best Christmas savers on the planet. You fought back the people who tried to bring back Ymir, you stopped Queen Mab from taking over the North Poll, and you prevented the Ice Age. We need you to stop Santa’s clone from destroying the world.” He looked at me. “Come on, we need you.”
“I can’t do that anymore. I’m retired. After the things I’ve seen, I guess I’m just all out of Christmas spirit.” I looked at the wall. The head of an ancient Fairy Lord hung there. I saw a picture of me shaking hands with Santa and Odin. I also saw myself at a Jonas Brothers concert, but that’s another story. Also there was this really cool Navaho weaving and…
“Without you the Santa Clone will give coal to every single child in the world! Do you really want a Christmas without everyone magically receiving presents? Our entire economy would collapse! Can you imagine the sad looks on all those faces?”
I sighed, and grabbed my hunting rifle. It was time to get to work.
Robert Loggains - Batboy Marries!
Batboy marries!
In a stunning surprise move, the American hero and future president Batboy and the American singing sensation Miley Cyrus have announced wedding plans to a stunned world.
Given Batboy’s recent return from capturing Osama bin Laden and his (actually alive) husband Saddam Hussein, the move is surprising many people. With Miley’s father Billy ray Cyrus’s legal consent, as well as Batboy’s recent acceptance as an America citizen, it has all been legally approved.
Weekly World News has a team of precognitive agents on the case, and will be sure to keep you updated on events before they even happen!
In a stunning surprise move, the American hero and future president Batboy and the American singing sensation Miley Cyrus have announced wedding plans to a stunned world.
Given Batboy’s recent return from capturing Osama bin Laden and his (actually alive) husband Saddam Hussein, the move is surprising many people. With Miley’s father Billy ray Cyrus’s legal consent, as well as Batboy’s recent acceptance as an America citizen, it has all been legally approved.
Weekly World News has a team of precognitive agents on the case, and will be sure to keep you updated on events before they even happen!
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